It turns out I can knit with this giant bandage on! I had to modify the way I hold the needle and I am going about as fast as a new knitter with 9 thumbs, but I'm knitting! Looks like I'll survive a week of this thing after all!
Now to find something stockinette-only to start, no way I'm going to be able to maintain any semblance of gauge knitting this way! I'll post a video later, this is priceless.
(and please, no lectures! The doctor told me to move my fingers as much as possible, "even if it hurts" is how he put it actually. And no, it doesn't hurt! I'm off vicodin as of yesterday morning, now it's only Tylenol)